Farewell 2010

I don't know what to say about 2010. Actually I didn't want to remember those numbers. I wanted to leave it all behind. Though there were also a lot of things that happened. I'm sad to say that I barely remember all those good things. Probably because it has been overlapped by all of the worst things that have ever occurred to me. And to this day, seeing my friends and how their doing just makes it hard for me to move on.

The last year of college was the most memorable yet the most distressing segment of my life. I was stupid and I admit that I never was the emotional type. I consider myself selfish and would only have to satisfy myself. Frankly speaking, I wasn't content with the company of my section and that there are a chosen few whom I am comfortable with. H3 is what I would call my place of zen. As long as I was within this group, I felt safe. We may even had a lot of conflicts but we always sticked together not because we literally were stuck with one another but because we loved it just the way it is. And this is one of the fabulous entity that I have treasured well.

Actually, 2010 is the most depressing year for me. I despised it. Or rather, I despised myself. Everything about me was bemoaning. Because 2010 was the year of my FAILURE.

I didn't concentrate on my studies due to the detestable atmosphere of my boring and vexing school. I blame myself after all these years that I could have stopped and walked another path. I just hated almost everything about it. Not all, but almost. I couldn't find what I was looking for yet I continued to struggle through my chosen college field.

When I was in high school I imagined that college would be thrilling and efficacious. I should have known better. But then I was raised in a world where innocence is accepted and safe rather than being smart and witty because seriously we didn't need it in my place. What we needed was pure escapade. Yes with no need for permission. I even dreamed of joining a volleyball team and be a varsity. Just like those players I watch on TV. What always caught my eye was UST. But unfortunately I didn't pass the entrance exam so I had to end up in FEU, my 2nd choice. And yes I took up nursing, another 2nd choice of mine. I even planned on joining the theater or performing arts club or even the glee club. I was so enthusiastic.

So I arrived college and was so excited that I prepared everyday to impress my classmates. I tried so hard everyday that I would even review during the holidays. I was excited, charged and inspired. I even applied for the "interesting" clubs but being damned, I think, they just took our 20php as membership fee. After paying they never contacted us again. And as years passed by I realized that there were no clubs actively existing at all. What an ass stake was that. I was so disappointed. Furthermore, to continue maiming me our section had to be dissolved! As in separated from one another like siblings being sent to different orphanages individually! I hated it so much not because I'd be detached from my close friends but from my one and only inspiration! And yes it had a great impact on me. Us friends grew apart slowly and whenever we get to see each other all we could do was say hi and bye. After that, things turned to get ugly. I was losing the enthusiasm I had within me. I was lonely, and very lonely.

So it went on till I got away from that school up until I took my first board exam. Yes I stayed like that. And what did it bring me? Nothing but depression itself. I failed and continued to fail myself and everyone who believed in me. I under-appreciated myself.

But you know what? It's a good thing though. It became an eye-opener for me. Experience really is the golden teacher. And because of it I became closer to the one Gold that I had my entire life yet I refused to acknowledge Him because I didn't believe enough.

These FAILURES brought me closer to God. And everyday I would find myself talking to him before I sleep and sometimes as I wake up. I pray to Him and thank Him for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me even a little one i.e. When I thought I misplaced the ring my Mom gave me it was just under those pile of review books. I got scared and little by little I felt sensitive to feelings. I wasn't "manhid" anymore. I was aware of what the consequences will bring me. But what made it incomplete was, I didn't feel the spirit of Christmas or the welcoming of New Year. For I had to go abroad, where I didn't know a lot of people and where fireworks weren't allowed. It felt like ordinary holidays. It made me unsafe and unprotected. Like I was not blessed with a good luck charm. The year thus became incomplete for me. I tell you, being in the country where I am right now isn't peaceful. It's depressing.

So my 2010. I call it "The Year of Faith in Failure".

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