It's been 7 months since I've written about anything that has happened to me. I've been skipping chapters and I don't want to forget them no matter how stupid they played. Today is Oct 25, 2010 and I'm taking a break from my review. Actually I've been having a lot of breaks but hopefully I get to finish the whole book. You see, I failed the Nursing Licensure Exam so I have to retake on Dec 19,20. I have so little time left and don't really feel confident. I want to do better this time. I'm a dreamer and an ambitious one at that. I wonder how it feels like to be in Top 10?
Anyways, I know I've been liking a lot of guys and sometimes I even wonder why cause when I take a second look at them I don't see any reason why. I know "how mean Angel". But no matter who it is that I like, I would always go back to one person. Every time I walk by he never fails to greet me, calling me a lot of names though not insulting. I kind of liked it. He calls me names that describe me and it somehow makes me feel special though I know it's just a joke. He never forgets to say hi or tease me. Some of my friends thinks he's like a Greek God and they are so surprised I know him. It's not like he's a celebrity. Whatever. We stopped texting ever since 2nd half of 2nd year college. Why? Because I hated the fact that we weren't classmates anymore. Because he's F and I'm H. Because I rarely get to see him and makes it hard for me to reach him. I wanted to forget about him because I knew I never had the chance. But I never realized how close we were before. So I stopped texting. I didn't see it coming, the day that I would regret ever doing that I tried to hate him. But at that time, I just really wanted to forget him. I was granted that wish but I have betrayed my heart. Nothing mattered to me and I grew up selfish. But with him, everything mattered, well, hyperbolically speaking. The way I look, the way I laugh, my clothes, my hair and my voice. Oh my God, I'm like Massie from 'The Clique' movie, only I'm not such a bitch, stepping on everyone. I can't believe I've been pretending in front of him. I guess I just didn't want him to be annoyed or disgusted by me. But then again I was not just being selfish but I was also being dishonest.
No wonder I failed the board exam. I was busy, too busy trying to bring back the way we were in the past. Wow, I really need to grow up. We used to text all the time, sending messages and chatting online until dawn. I focused on him when there's nothing really to gain from it. So here I am stuck while the others are steps ahead of me. But I was ready for the results, only I didn't know it was so hard to change old habits.
He was curious, or worried? I think if I passed the exam. I turned my phone off for a day and the next day I told him I was unlucky. He was sad, somehow. I could see from the way he texted but he encouraged me. I was happy and it meant a lot. After that, I became serious...well, somehow. I kept my phone off and started facing unread books. I told others I had left for Oman. I didn't want them to know of my plans. It would just add to the pressure. I wondered if that's what he knew too.
My bestfriend told me that I have to be true because I'll be losing the chance of telling him how I feel. I was sad, almost letting a tear fall. I had no choice I asked him if he really was leaving. He said he's not sure but even so he'd still be back. Still I was sad. So he asked how I was. I told him the truth. He's special just like my bestfriend and I love to keep that connection.
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